India's leading analyst, economist and investment advisor SP Tulsian lost his 90% wealth in the stock markets. A sweeper who works at Tulsian's house has revealed this shocking news to India Satire correspondent.

"He actually lost 90% of his investments in the stock markets due to all stupid trades. Now-a-days, he behaves like a mentally fractured analyst behaves on the street because of this loss. We still can't believe that this was the same Tulsian who every now and then used to give us suggestions. Just because of his recommendations we made lakhs of rupees, simply by following his calls inversely," said the sweeper, Rakesh.

Tulsian has said to have followed his own stock calls while investing in the stock markets. He never relied on the calls given by other analysts.

"I rely only on my strength and that is picking up best stock ideas. Why would I go for some stupid analyst to suggest me invest in this company or exit from that? I never believe other analysts who usually misguide you," said SP Tulsian in an interview with India Satire, just 6 months back.

Rakesh said "Tulsian is still not aware that his calls actually work in inverse ratio. If he says buy one should exit and if he says sell one should enter with huge investment. He never used this formula which even sweeper like me knows very well."

According to a survey conducted by leading international surveyor Survey Monkey, only 27% of Bombshell Poonam Pandey's Twitter followers actually watched her debut movie 'Nasha'. Survey Monkey conducted a survey after it found that despite a big hype on social media, Poonam Pandey's movie Nasha was flopped that even amazed Harvard Business School (HBS).

"It was HBS that asked us to conduct an independent survey on why Poonam Pandey's movie was flopped. HBS officials were wondering why despite being millions of fans in her Facebook and Twitter accounts, Poonam's movie could not sustain on the box office," said Rakesh Sharma, Main Surveyor of Survey Monkey, "We asked all her fans only one question whether they saw the movie or not with commitment of confidentiality. Only 27% Twitter followers and 10% Facebook fans said they had watched the movie once while others kept their obsession under control."

Many social justice organizations condemned the approach of Twitter followers for not supporting the social figure. They also questioned the loyalty and integrity of fans.

"It is disturbing. One can't rely on Twitter followers and Facebook fans," said great social worker and movie producer Mahesh Bhatt, "Poonam is a different animal in herself and therefore I thought her millions of Twitter fans would be eager to see her in the movie. They would support her social cause of exposing the best part of her body. However, it was a big disappointment that n0body supported her as like they did in Salman's case at the time of promotion of Being Human.

The survey also raised few questions like intelligence levels of Twitter and Facebook users.

"The survey was shocking. I used to think that Facebook users are dumb while Twitter users are highly intellectual. But the survey result shows a different picture," said adguru Pralhad Kakkar in a tweet.

A part of politicians also claimed that the survey is a precursor to the overhyped leaders like Narendra Modi which believe that social media fan base will support them in the elections.

"I assume a similar situation with Narendra Modi in 2014 elections," Congress Party spokesperson Sanjay Jha.

Minister of Minority Affairs K Rahman Khan who recently made controversial statement that Muslim community doesn't recognize existence of terror group Indian Mujahideen thanked Indian media for giving him a free publicity.

"I really want to thank you for giving such importance to my rubbish statement and made it a nationwide issue. It is always pleasant watching peaceful Indians irking over some stupid and paltry topic. Thanks to our media, even people like me who are seating in garbage gets some significance," said Khan, expressing his gratitude towards Indian media over discussing his statement.

Rahman Khan also thanked Arnab Goswami over representing the nation asking him the reason why he made such stupid and hopeless statement.

"Thanks Arnab for your coverage on News Hour. I saw your show. It was really entertaining and funny and icing on the cake was that each time whenever you start yelling on me my importance was increasing. Wow!"

Newly join Satyamev Dubey devastated on the first day of office after he could not trace any beautiful face in the office. Either the office has dumb looking girls or aunties of almost retirement age.

"I don't want the motherly or sisterly love. There is no cute face to look at and at least to talk with. I am totally disappointed with the office and now I am rethinking about my earlier strategy to work hard and give maximum and best output to my organization," said Dubey, who joined one of the leading IT companies in India, name withheld.

India Satire contacted HR who said that it is company's policy to put dumb looking girls or aged aunties on the work so that employees should not be distracted.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said that he is in view of allowing 100% FDI in Rajya Sabha Member of Parliaments (MPs). PM was referring for introducing more reforms to curb rupee fall and improve situation of current account deficit.

"I think we should allow direct investment in Rajya Sabha MPs. This will bring more and more competition in the sector and would increase the prices paid to the MPs. I ask planning commission to form a panel to give us recommendation on the implementation of this policy reform," said PM Manmohan Singh, expressing his opinion on bringing more and more investments in India.

Recently, a Congress MP from Haryana Birender Singh revealed that rates of Rajya Sabha MPs are hovering around Rs 100 crore.

"The sector is still undervalued and has a lot of potential and needs to be opened up so that investment of at least Rs 24500 crore will be attracted. It will curb rupee's fall and also improve CAD situation," said Manmohan Singh. However, he denied revealing anything more on issues like who is interested in investing in Indian MPs and what sort of value addition the investor will get besides getting a candidate who only creates rhetoric and sleeps in the Rajya Sabha.

"Chennai Express is an epic and I assure you that you will enjoy the movie a lot, as it is a copy paste of best scenes of my previous movies," said Shahrukh Khan in a candid interview with the India Satire correspondent.

He said "I don't want to give any kind of shocks to my fans and therefore this movie is similar to my old movies. I am going to do everything similar what I did in my previous movies. I will spread my hands, run behind girl, will make sarcastic and funny comments and then finally all will be well. Everything is similar like what was happening in the Jubilee star Rajendra Kumar's movies. We have copied all the best scenes from my previous movies and pasted in Chennai Express. Only thing was that I wore different clothes in this movie to show some differentiation. Just to add some creativity, Rohit Shetty showed blasts of cars and jeeps and few rubbish jokes."

World's leading search engine, Google recorded millions of searches for the images and photos of Meenakshi Natarajan, Congress MP from Mandsaur in Madhya Pradesh, after Congress general secretary Digvijay Singh called her '100% tunch maal' (100% sexy women). The search engine confirmed that the pressure of page searches was so high that its servers stopped working for few minutes.

"Yea Google's servers burdened with inquiry of some Meenakshi Natarajan's photos from millions of users. We had to stop the work for some time," said Rajan Anandan, Head of Google India.

He said that inquiries with the keywords such as 'hot meenakshi natarajan', 'meenakshi natarajan mallu aunty' 'desi pictures of meenakshi natarajan' were recorded in Google database.

The India Satire's email query to Meenakshi Natarajan over free publicity from Diggy is unanswered. Digvijay Singh tweeted that he used the statement to divert nation's attention from Batla encounter. The sources close to Digvijay Singh said Meenakshi questioned the idea behind his tweet and asked him whether his statement was made out of context.

While Congress Spokesperson and part time minister, Manish Tewari clarified on Diggy's statement "It was Digvijay Singh's personal view and not Congress party's view."

A government source revealed that food ranging from 1 rupee to 12 rupees is available on the planet Zumbata and at country's Parliamentary Canteen and all Indian poor are welcome to verify the government's claim.

"Food is available on planet Zumbata which is just some distance away from the earth," said an official source of India's HRD Ministry. Zumbata is around 35000 million km from the mother earth. It is planet of poor and weird people.

The source also claimed that even Parliament Canteen also provide meal for more than 700 poor of the country at 5 rupees.

He said "There is no requirement to make noise on the issue of below poverty line levels. Recently, India's HRD minister Dr. M. M. Pallam Raju visited Zumbata based country Atamba, and its government has confirmed that they eat meal for 1 rupee each per day per person. Prime Minister of Atamba told Raju that if poor from your country have problems in understanding the below poverty line concept then send them here, we will teach them properly."

BJP President Rajnath Singh, who is currently on US visit, has decided to degrade himself culturally and start learning English. The development came after US media criticized him for behaving excessively cultural and as a highly customary person.

"We are already degraded people and don't have culture and customs. We have become real useless fellows after embracing English language. In that sense, we felt that highly cultural person like Rajnath Singh could have bestowed us with his blessings in Hindi. But whatever he said today, we didn't understand a word. It could have been better if he had brought Shashi Tharoor with himself to explain us what he was talking about," said Peter Shome, a reporter based in the United States.

Rajnath Singh's secretary confirmed that the complication was created due to Singh's pure Hindi language which was never contaminated by cheap and degraded English.

He said "Rajnathji has realized that talking to degraded and derogatory people in pure Hindi would not be a good idea. For giving them his blessings, he has to degrade himself slightly and has to go to school to learn some primary level English."

Secretary confirmed that in his next visit the US media will see real degraded Rajnath Singh.

A survey conducted by the New York Times reveals that 17% US citizens don't want Narendra Modi to visit USA. They asked the US Government not to allow him US visa.

"We don't want him to come to US. Already US is tackling with unemployment problems and another tech professional from India will take one more job. I request Obama not to give him the US visa," said Stewart Myer when New York Times asked him whether he would welcome Narendra Modi from India.

New York Times, a leading news paper in the US took a nationwide survey among 17,404 people after 65 Indian legislators (MPs) sent a request letter to US President Barack Obama favoring continuation of the US ban on Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi.

Senior Correspondent of New York Times, Tim Warren said "We wanted to understand reactions of people in the US over issuing visa to Narendra Modi. We saw India's response which shows that 12% Indians (65 MPs out of 545 Lok Sabha seats) don't US access to Narendra Modi. We thought it would be interesting to know how many Americans really don't want him to come to the country. Response was tremendous, 17% straightaway said they don't want Modi in the US."

"What does he do? Is he a good sweeper or cleaner or driver? Whatever, if he is good in that work and charge less then possibly I would be ready for granting him US Visa otherwise no need for him to come here," said Laura James.

According to survey, 80% out of 17% who voted against US visa said that they fear of job losses to Indian IT professionals. 10% said that US requires blue collar labour urgently and if Modi is good in that work then only he should be allowed and rest 10% said they want to say no to him just because surveyor ask them the question.

Rest 83% out of total respondents said that they don't know who Modi is and where India is on the global map. They also started searching the meaning on 'secularism' on the internet.

Former South Africa Cricket Captain and banned cricketer in match fixing saga in early 2000s, Hansie Cronje is planning to return to earth from his current stay in hell. The captain said that current rates of match fixing are so lucrative and he can't wait now to grab the fastest growing pie.

"Boss just 1.2 crore rupees and fuck that too in rupees which is now worth like trash. Nobody is taking crap rupee from me here in the hell. You don't know how much degraded I feel these days. Even the supplementary guys like Sreesanth are getting good money then why the fuck I stay in the hell. I have applied for visa for earth and sooner or later I will be there in IPL," said Cronje in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.

Cronje left his sinful body in 2002, after he was banned from Cricket for match fixing in 2000 just for paltry 1.2crore rupees. IPL, an official match fixing platform of BCCI did not exist that time. Cronje recently abused BCCI for backstabbing in the leading news paper from the hell 'The Hell Times Of India' (THTOI).

He said "BCCI backstabbed me. It invented proper match fixing process through IPL after my death. Are you aware how much money I lost?"

Great Indian musician and super market of gold, Bappi Lahiri decided to donate his 50 tons of gold to reduce the pressure gold imports in India. Lahiri also decided to stop importing any consignment of new gold to help India improve current account deficit (CAD). The development came after RBI set up measures to curtail gold imports which are putting pressure on India's financials in terms of burgeoning CAD.

In one of the most important measures, RBI Governor D. Subbarao personally visited Bappi Lahiri requesting him to support the measures taken by the central bank. According to sources, Bappi Lahiri immediately accepted Governor's request and asked his secretary to donate 50 tons of gold to poor Indians so that import thirst of gold would drop substantially. The great musician with great heart also told Subbarao that he would stop any gold imports for his personal consumption. Bappi Lahiri imports around 100 tons every year to convert them in his jewellery and ornaments.

After Aditi restaurant saga, the UPA Government decided to stop any further 'indirect protests' from restaurant owners and asked them to start gluing photos of Congress President Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi on food bills to save service tax on food. UPA Government issued urgent notice after few of Congress workers shut Mumbai's Parel based Aditi Restaurant after they found some 'funny', sorry 'defamatory' content about UPA on bills.

"We want to bring discipline in the system otherwise any sundry person will start mocking us," said Congress spokesperson and part time minister Manish Tewari.

He said "The scheme is beneficial to all. All the restaurants bills will carry Madamji and Baba's photos with message about UPA Government's work, like MNREGA, Food Security Act and many other great things. If the restaurant owner put a message mocking BJP, NDA or Narendra Modi, then we will give him a double tax reversal."

According to Finance Ministry official, the new law will put additional burden of Rs 2000 crore on government's financials.

"We plan to bring air tax (tax on breathing) to meet the gap," said the official, requesting anonymity.

Pappu Pandey, who's only aim, was to see Salman and Shahrukh Khan living happily together has ended his life yesterday, just a day after media released photos of both stars hugging each other at MLA Baba Siddique's iftaar party.

"He ended his life yesterday as the purpose of his life is achieved," reported CNN IBN in its telecast. The IBN reporter said that Pappu Pandey's only dream was to see SRK and Salman's hugging each other and solving all universal problems at one go with their sharp brains.

"Pappu was thinking that the world was divided and was under tremendous strain because of split between two actors," said the reporter.

Reporter said that the day when Pappu came to know about news, his eyes were wet and lips were smiling, showing emotionally happy feelings.

 "He was depressed for past many years and was living just with objective that new era of friendship begins between King Khan and Dabangg Khan. He was also dreaming the situation that SRK will accompany Salman in jail just to stay with him for life. He wanted such kind of friendship between them," said Pappu's wife who herself witnessed deterioration of Pappu's health over many years. His wife enlightened that Pappu linked all India's problems with SRK-Salman split.

She said "When Pappu heard that they both patched up, he immediately threw a grand party and next day left us in this miserable world. Now we are free."  

Indian Muslims are confused over choosing one of the many secular parties, which represent them for their well being and against communal alliance NDA.

'Yes we are actually confused on choosing one of them. Whom do we chose? UPA, SP, BSP, Left, TDP, or whom, it is really difficult to decide. They should either consolidate themselves or threw out of the election battle. It's just difficult if you have so much of choice," said Abdul Hamid, a resident of Delhi.

Hamid said "All the parties I mentioned are claiming that they are the best representing agenda for secularism, though what that exactly supposed to mean that we don't know. Now I don't want to vote NDA so which party I have to chose is really a difficult task."

Many of them are really thinking about taking help from a representative of their problems. Young Muslims are not really confused as they will approach their representative. But old age Muslims are cautious.

"We are in talks with Mr. Chetan Bhagat who represents Muslim youth to understand his opinion. We will stick to his opinion and will vote whatever party he asks us to vote for. He is our representative," said Usmaan Shahid, a young Muslim in Mumbai.

Chacha Niyakat Khan said India Satire Correspondent "I don't like Mulayam's face, it is quite hard. But I am really confused over the UPA's credentials. Mayawati hasn't promised any statues or something in these elections and Left parties always look bemused and Nitish Kumar is newly joined secular. So now it is up to these people, how they distribute us among themselves."

India's largest toothpaste selling brand and recommended by all the dental doctors, Colgate has developed a new range of toothpastes which removes all teeth from the mouth of users. The new toothpaste is branded under 'Colgate Active Teeth Remover' and will cater under premium range of its toothpaste products.

Colgate's Managing Director, Prabha Parameswaran said "We are happy with the innovation and the product will be launched in the next month. This is the great achievement for the company as it is first of its kind in the world and our team feels pride in saying that even Colgate's global operations will also launch the toothpaste globally."

Company said that the toothpaste was made for people who really get pissed off cleaning teeth every day. The idea was to tap that public.

"Instead of wasting your time on immensely boring exercise, just remove them once and for all. We are going to use 'Naa rahega baas naa bajegi baasuri' as a slogan to our campaign," said Prabha.

She said "Now no issues of sensitivity, no problems of gum and plaque, even I would like to say that the users will never feel pain in their tooth. Use Active Teeth Remover and you will find your teeth will be uprooted within few seconds."

Colgate's India division has developed a new formula that eradicates teeth from their roots. However, the company in its press release said that using Active Teeth Remover once is not sufficient and requires to be used twice in a week.

"It is similar like beard which grows after every two days and requires a cut more frequently. Problem with teeth is similar, they start growing every next two days. If you want to maintain your teeth free smile you have to use Active Teeth Remover after every two days," said Prabha.

According to sources from Congress Party, President Sonia Gandhi has appointed a team of her most trustworthy associates as a special task force (STF) to discuss on the most ideal puppet in the party to put him on PM's post. The development came amid rising speculations over Congress Party's nomination for PM's post.

"This strategy has worked well in 2004 and 2009 elections as well as last two presidential elections. In both the cases, Madam put puppets on these rolls and the result you can see in the well being of Indian populace," said the source.

The source said that the STF has identified two best dolls out of a list of thousand party leaders in the Congress Party.  

"The task force has worked day and night on the names suggested by workers at ground level and recommendations came from party top brass. They identified two leaders which are best in doing whatever Madamji asks them," said the source. However, he denied giving their names.

He said "I will not be able to give you their names at this juncture as the list is with Madamji. But I can give you a clue. One is current Prime Minister of India and the other one is Congress Vice President. The actual names will be disclosed in next few months."

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi seeks a serious makeover in his poll strategy, after Narendra Modi is getting more and more attention from media. Gandhi Scion asked his advisors and speech writers to write speeches which are very controversial in their nature.

"Boss, this is depressing yaar, no news paper has covered me for last one month while Modi is everywhere. I talked with my PR agency and it advised me to make few controversial speeches and give very rude interviews with bashing on some communities or some person," said Rahul Gandhi in an exclusive interview with the India Satire correspondent.

After UP elections, hardly any media channel and news paper covered Rahul Gandhi.  According to sources, Rahul realized that media always demand controversies, some time pass material to discuss on prime time programs and headlines for breaking news. However, since last many years Rahul was not able to provide any great headline leading to many channels and news papers stopped covering him.

Rahul Gandhi's PR agency, Tapco's spokesperson confirmed that Rahul needs to change his strategy drastically. Rather than mushi-mushi kind of guy he should come out as a strong man like Robinhood for the sake of secularism.

"Rahul Baba requires a serious make0ver. He has been never considered as a powerful man due to his soft and innocent kid like nature. We want to change this. Baba now should look like angry young man with immense Secular Power to save secularists from communal forces. This requires him to get some media attention and for that we require him to read few controversial speeches," said Tarik Sayyed, spokesperson of Tapco.

Sayyed confirmed that Rahul conveyed the message to his Mummy Sonia Gandhi who gave him go ahead to whatever he wants to do.

"Rahul Baba is in talks with his advisory panel of Digvijay Singh, Ahmed Patel and Manish Tewari to collect data of different controversies affect Indian psyche. He has also asked his close aide and blogger Sanjay Jha to write 'atomic bomb' like speeches," said Sayyed.

In a shocking development, India's common man Pappu Pandey deliberately reduced volume of TV set while watching India's most popular debate show 'The Newshour' on Times Now.

"It was very saddening to see our patriotism and nationalism feelings are desiccating day by day," said Champak Ramanujan, a political analyst and ardent follower of the Newshour debate and its anchor Arnab Goswami.

He said "Reducing volume of TV set was OK, but when it was Arnab who was shouting and yelling from his belly just to get answers to our question was really disturbing and shows no sense of patriotism."

Arnab Goswami was discussing on Modi's statement that he was 'the Hindu Nationalist'. While the subject was very hot and related to nationalism, political analysts were expecting that the common man of India Pappu Pandey would keenly participate in it as an audience. However, according to information leaked by internal source of Pappu's house, when Arnab started questioning Pappu immediately reduced volume, many times he also muted the television.

"That fucking guy was shouting at thousands of decibel levels, creating a serious nuisance to my ears and head. I immediately reduced the volume as still even today at least I have control over my TV remote," said Pappu Pandey.

India's common man Pappu Pandey finally felt that he was stupid enough to be fooled by politicians. He realised after Narendra Modi's interview and controversies developed out of it.

"First time ever in my life, I realised that I was actually stupid enough to get fooled out of propaganda created by politicians. Earlier I used to think that there may not be necessarily any logic behind politicians in creating nonsensical rhetoric over castes, sub castes, religions, sub religions and regional boundaries. However, now I am feeling that I am actually brainless and all politicians are smart and create this propaganda with some logic behind it," said Pappu Pandey.

Pappu Pandey was referring to Narendra Modi's reference of 'Puppy', used in describing his sadness over 2002 riots.

Pappu said "That was actually Modi's cool idea which I earlier thought as foolishness. I realized it when next day read TOI that RSS is now pushing Narendra Modi as PM candidate and as perfect kid of RSS, BJP is in no denial mood."

Talking exclusively to India Satire, Pappu said that his two minds were in conflict with each other when they heard Modi's statement by thinking that the Modi's interview to Reuters was totally illogical and nonsensical too.

"One of my minds was totally shocked when Modi gave reference of Puppy. I thought this would derail Modi from his PM's claim while my other mind was thinking something else. It thought that there might be some logic behind the statement but still clearly doubting Modi's intention behind the statement. However, finally when I read today's newspaper, the calculation was clear. JD(U) is out of the alliance, Shiv Sena and Akali Dal has no problem with the statement and RSS would give green signal to Modi's PM candidature claim. How fool I was thinking that such statement would derail Modi from PM's race. I have not forgotten Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement that 'public memory is short'," said Pappu Pandey.

UPA Government decided to work on higher authority to Supreme Court so that unviable and unjustifiable decisions of the premiere court can be reversed back. The decision has taken after a long brain storming session. All the MPs decided to grant the authority to make fair judgments to Congress President Sonia Gandhi. According to sources, the higher authority will be named as Sonia Gandhi Court (SGC) and the court will find out sense and fairness in the justice made by Supreme Court's judges.

"This will be the highest authority, even higher than SC and President of India," said the source direct knowledge to the development.

He said "After SC's nasty decision on MPs and MLAs that if they are convicted, can't join the office, we have decided to bring greatest of authorities in India into picture so that someone could judge decisions of SC judges with a fair view. The authority will find out sense and will make the clear, transparent and best final decision in favour of common Indian. We all were agreed that only Sonia Madam can take fair and best judgments. So we decided to make her final authority and name it as SGC."

The SGC will be headed by Sonia Gandhi while Rahul Gandhi will be Vice President. On the panel, leaders like Ahmed Patel, Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal and Salman Khurshid will help both of them. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has granted typist's role.

Popular horizontal cinema director, Sanjay Leela Bhansali announced his plans to direct remake of 3Idiots after completion of his current venture 'Ram Leela'. The director will use Ishrat Jahan case as a platform for the remake of 3Idiots.

"I love copying all type of grim movies in more and more sadist way. This time I thought of new idea and wanted to convert a funny and positive movie into one of the saddest movies in the history of World cinema," said Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

Bhansali announced his new directorial venture in a packed press conference in Mumbai. Bhansali is famous for converting old films and into films with polished sets and different indigestible colours. Colours in some of his films like Saawaria, Guzaarish and Devdaas were appreciated by public in Zumbu Planet.

Talking to the media reporters, Bhansali said "This movie is not a copy from any other movie. It will have an original plot. It will be a story of 3 innocent babies along with one girl who were murdered in the name of Police encounter. You can consider this film as a next part of 3Idiots. The movie will show positive 3 idiots gradually becoming negative and sadist 3 idiots and finally ended their life to Police bullets. This venture will make you cry. It will convert you into one of the most negative persons in the world."

While colour of the film is still undecided, Bhansali promised that sets will be much better than his earlier films.

"This time I am going to use background of Rozambu planet for the movie. The movie will go on floors after completion of my stupid venture 'Ram Leela'," said great director Bhansali.

Former Chief Minister of Bihar and Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) chief Lalu Prasad Yadav announced celebration of Supreme Court's decision to stay on a special CBI court in Jharkhand from pronouncing its verdict on July 15. The party chief decided to throw 'Fodder Party' to all his RJD associates.

"Laluji asked me to prepare different varieties of fodder dishes for party tonight," said Jamnalal Yadav, Lalu's cook.

He said "I will be preparing fodder biryani, fodder sabji, fodder roti, fodder, raita, fodder tandoori, fodder kheer and fodder ice cream. Post dinner we will also serve fodder lassi to all RJD party workers."

According to sources, Lalu asked his servants to bring tons of fodder and spread all over his house so that party associates would dance on the tunes of fodder songs on fodder floor.

Senior leader and General Secretary of Congress Party, Digvijay Singh announced special coaching classes on secularism. The batches will be held in all Congress branches with special video lectures of Digvijay Singh, aired from Delhi. For Delhi students, Digvijay Singh will personally give coaching.

"I am upset with the rising Hindu Terrorism and RSS activities in India. I want young boys and girls to master the art of secularism and evaporate communal entities like BJP, RSS from the country. The classes will take care of the aspirants who want to excel in secularism," said Digvijay Singh.

According to sources, the course will help mass population in India to label themselves as secular. The content will be comprehensive enough for the students to convert any event in day to day life to communalism. Congress Party also promises job after completion of the two years of course.

"Vanishing BJP is not on my agenda, as it would not give us a comfort of playing communal politics. My focus will be on connecting various issues to communal mindsets of the country," said Digvijay Singh.

Singh said "We also offer students a job of sweeper in the house and office of the most secular minds of India, Soniaji and Rahul Baba."

Syllabus of 'Rajiv Gandhi Art of Secularism'

1.     Basics Of Secularism

2.     Accounting Of Communal Parties

3.     Identifying The Communities Entitled To Get Bashing

4.     Master The Art Of Bringing Non-Linearity Of Communal And Secular Parties

5.     Logic Behind Communalism

6.     Logic Behind Secularism

7.     Connecting Each-N-Every Event To Communal Politics

8.     Road To Development Through Secularism ONLY

9.     Case Study Of Communal Mindset – Narendra Modi

10.  Case Study Of Half Hearted Seculars – Mulayam Singh Yadav, Mayawati, CPM & CPI Activists

11.  Case Study Of Secular Power – Rahul Gandhi

12.  Special Event – Guest Lectures Of Sonia Gandhi And Rahul Gandhi

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)