3.45 am Just woke up after long work till 12 am. "The office is so messy as like Indian economy. Fortunate Subbarao who left this mess created by few stupid political economists," Raghuram Rajan found telling the sweeper who came to clean up the mess. He muttered "I felt like the sweeper."

4.00 am Started working on various calculations again. "Can't help yaar! If I reduce the rates economy will see higher inflation and falling rupee. If I don't cut, industry will kill me, Chiddu will blame me. Fu*k so difficult situation," said Rajan to himself.

4.30 am "Larry Summers you are a lucky chap boss. People threw you out of US Fed Gov race. Wow," said Rajan again to himself.

4.30am to 6.30am continuously scrolling the papers

7.30 am Finance Minister P Chidambaram's call. "Rajan, today I woke up early at 7.15 am despite late night party, just to tell you that I am very concerned about faltering growth, rising prices and falling rupee. So boss, buck up and make some smart policy announcement. Cut repo rate by 150 bps, remove crr and some more stupid rates, late the inflation sky rockets to increase wealth of poor farmers and allow rupee to reach its century mark so that we can award it a Bharat Ratna," said Chidambaram on the phone.

8.00 am Rajan got another call. However, nobody spoke for 15 minutes. "It must be PM's phone discussing about the economic situation through mute mode," said security guard of Rajan.

9.30 am "Rajan Uncle, Rajan Uncle please keep the policy pro poor. So I will be able to say aam aadmi of India that even RBI was told to supply free money to you guys. My suggestions are no interest rate to 80 crore Indian poor while increasing interest rates for rest by 100 times. We can also announce 'Money on Demand' scheme under which they would have right to demand money from bank anytime even they don't have anything in their account," said Rahul Gandhi who woke up early in the morning to send his suggestions to Rajan.

10.30 am A call from some Pappu Pandey, original representative of aam aadmi of India which includes urban, rural middle class and person who bears the brunt most out of economic slowdown as well as high inflation. He said "Sorry Rajanji, I disturbed you in the midst of work on the most influential policy statement for us. I was actually trying to call you since you inducted as RBI Governor but with no success. I have a sincere request to you that right now I don't have any money in my pocket to distribute freely among 80 crore people of India. Neither my income is rising nor are the prices stabilizing. So a sincere request that if you postpone the growth for a while and allow me to purchase daily essential food and become stronger to be more productive then it would be great service for us. I ensure you that if you allow me to become stronger I will not have any problem contributing for the growth of rest 80 crore people."

11.00 am Policy statement released. MSF reduced by 75bps, no CRR cut and Repo Rate hiked by 25bps. Focus on curtailing retail inflation which hurts most to middle class population.

11.25 am "Market has termed RBI's monetary policy as a pro-middle class," Media "First time in the history any of India's RBI Governor gave importance to consumer price index (CPI inflation)."

According to sources, Telecom Minister Kapil Sibal's wife threw him out of his house for entire night yesterday on burning issue of onion prices. The sweeper of Kapil Sibal's home said that Sibal was thrashed, slapped hard and punched before thrown out of house by his wife.

"Yesterday evening when Kapil Sibal came from his court hearings and party meetings, Promilaji (his wife) questioned him over rising onion prices. But Kapil Saahib said her that he is not the right authority to discuss on food prices, particularly onion prices. Those matters should be directly discussed with onion traders as the government has privatized onion selling many years back. When Promilaji told him that her housing budget has been squeezed for past few days because of continuous rise in onion prices, Sibal Saahib said that the government doesn't sell onions, it only sells Akash Tablets and food grains such as rice, wheat and daal at Rs1, 2 and 3 per kg, respectively. So stop asking these sorts of fucking questions and go to onion traders and ask them directly," said Kisanchand Yadav, a sweeper who was privy to the entire event.

Yadav said "Promilaji immediately slapped on Sibal Saahib's face, punched him hard on his mouth and asked him to leave immediately. She held him with his collar and told him that he could be a big hypocrite politician outside her house but inside she is Soniaji. Then she kicked him hard and threw out of house and told him stay here for entire night. Don't show me your bloody arrogant face again."

According to sources which include security guard, Kapil Sibal spent entire night sleeping on the staircase of house like a poor innocent kid. However, in the morning as soon as his road to enter in the house was cleared by his wife, he changed his innocent kid like face into same arrogant and careless politician.

After disastrous Devdas, Saawariya and Guzaarish, few people in India still showed their willingness to watch Sanjay Leela Bhansali's (SLB) new movie 'Ram Leela'. People in India advocated their decisions using varied justifications. Though all of them are convinced that SLB's movies are sheer bullshit but still they want to watch his new venture.

Reasons

¨       Like to watch bullshit so that criticizing and abusing SLB gives great satisfaction

¨       Wants to see how a guy wastes huge money on the sets while actors and actresses behave like dumb spectators in the movie

¨       Wants to see how SLB trashes some original sensible story, plot and direction

¨       Still have some hopes from him

¨       Wants to watch sets and colours; who cares about story and direction

¨       Sometimes likes to cry and abuse self for making same stupidity

¨       Like to see creation of depressed and sadist person

¨       Feels like intellectual and can discuss on what SLB wanted to talk about in the movie

¨       Like to waste some time because girlfriend / wife / mummy likes it

As spiraling food prices are burning pockets of Indians, particularly middle class unlike to poor class which has availability of cheap and free good food, the UPA Government has asked Reserve Bank of India (RBI) to work out on 'loan for food' scheme. The government said that it was unwilling to take any steps to contain food inflation as rising food prices are good for farmers. Therefore the government has decided to open a new window of loan so that Indian working class can buy food like onion, tomatos, etc. by borrowing money from banks.

"We asked RBI Governor Raghuram Rajan to work on such a formula," said India's Finance Minister P Chidambaram.

The RBI currently is working on funding for lending scheme under which it would ask banks to offer auto and housing loans at cheaper rates. On the same lines, the government has asked RBI to study the similar kind of model in food sector.

"We asked RBI to work on micro-financing model in the food sector. So if somebody wants to buy 2 kg tomatos, he can go to bank and demand loan by merely submitting his PAN card or income proof. PAN card or income proof is required for recognizing the borrower as a middle class. We have also asked RBI to keep interest rates modest at 12 odd percent per annum," said Chidambaram.

Chidambaram, however, said that the interest rates would be higher on premium products like onion so that the middle class would not waste the precious product. Recently, onion prices rose by 254% putting itself in the bracket of precious commodities like gold, silver and platinum.

Chidambaram said "We are fairly optimistic about loan for food scheme. Now even middle class people will be able to include onion in their daily meal. That is the UPA government's inclusive policy."

According to sources in Samajwadi Party, son of Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav Arjun Yadav has started his studies on how to recognize communal forces and portray himself as secular messiah.

"Akhilesh's son Arjun is undergoing through a rigorous training of recognizing communal forces and understanding their psyche. He is also learning how to divert topic by claiming it as anti-secular that is uneasy for him. Mulayamji personally teaching him how to show himself as only caretaker of secularism," said a source, familiar to development.

The sources also told that after Arjun Yadav completes his studies, Akhilesh wants him to participate in Arnab Goswami's News Hour debate.

"That will be Arjun's real test. Dodging Arnab's questions and polarizing the entire debate would give him 100% marks. However, Mulayamji has already given him clean chit before he completed his studies as like Akhilesh Yadav got it from him after Muzaffarnagar riots," said the source. 

The India Satire brings to its readers in Muzaffarnagar a guide on passing time when curfew is on. This guide can be used as a reference material by all other people in India.

Things to do

·         Make up your mind to watch bullshit on TV like pro-women serials. India Satire recommends testing brain with psychiatrist if you watched serials on consistent basis whenever curfew is removed. Male chauvinists may cause headache for women.

·         Sleep till 10 am and watch movies that you have watched 1000 times. Abuse TV channels for showing repetitive movies and a lot of advertisements.

·         Call subordinates, lecture them on how to be devoted on work and reach office despite having curfew.

·         Nothing new in news papers. Just yawn while reading Manmohan's silence, Modi's shouts and Rahul's dumb speeches.

·         Discuss various political issues on phone.

·         Think how Akhilesh Yadav wasted precious time in your productive schedule during a small bit of rest in the afternoon.

·         Irritate while eating Khichadi almost everyday.

Positives

·         Rest till 10 -11 am.

·         Watch movies

Negatives

·         Watching TV serials

·         Playing with kids

·         Eating same food everyday

·         Office boss is better than wife

·         Some people, particularly newlywed are overburdened with the work like cooking, cleaning and pampering their wife.

India's Defence Minister AK Antony confirmed that China's encroachment in the Indian border of 640 sq km area is under Free Land Intrusion Scheme (FLIS) specially designed for the neighboring countries aimed to improve relations with them. He was addressing the media before his speech in Lok Sabha.

"FLIS is specially designed for neighbor countries to improve the relations with them. This was a landmark scheme introduced by UPA Government which will solve all border disputes. Under this scheme we offer our border land to neighbor countries. Currently, only China and Bangladesh are eligible for the scheme," said AK Antony.

He said that currently the government is in demo mode of the scheme and therefore it was not willing to disclose it in the public. AK Antony was talking about the recent media reports referring to National Security Advisory Board's observation that China has captured 640 sq km of Indian territory in Daulat Beg Oldie and other sectors in Ladakh. The neighbor country is not allowing patrolling to Indian army in the occupied area.

"As the scheme is under demonstration stage we maintained very high confidentiality and never discussed with Indian Army therefore all this confusion is. But we are very sure that the cross border terrorism is now a matter of time with introduction FLIS," said AK Antony.

Talking about the benefits of FLIS, AK Antony said "Border disputes are very sensitive issue and the media always sensationalize it and therefore we decided to launch an innovative scheme. Under this scheme, all our neighbor countries are welcome to capture the land in India for free of charge but with a condition that they will have to maintain good relations with us. Now if China wants New Delhi, they can come and take over it we have no issues. Only thing is that the country has to maintain peaceful and good relations with India."

The minister said currently China and Bangladesh are getting these special benefits while Pakistan and other countries are out of its ambit.

"Pakistan has requested for these benefits and asked us to give Kashmir to them. But they are still non committal about giving us most favored nation (MFN) status and improving ties," said AK Antony.

Answering questions of reporters whether neighbor countries are eligible for the benefits of land acquisition bill, AK Antony said "Yes they are eligible. If any industrialist wants to set up factory on the land encroached by our beloved neighbor it will have to pay 4 times the market value of the land."

Sonia Gandhi's son-in-law Robert Vadra promised Indians that he would take all the efforts for a serious makeover in Rahul Gandhi. He told reporters that he will ensure Rahul will look like professional and not like any dumb politician.

"I have decided to take all the efforts on Rahul. He would be behaving like a formally aggressive and professional businessman. He would mean business and he can commit abnormal returns to the Indian stake holders. He can claim all poors that their wealth can reach from 100 rupees to 100000 rupees within 3 years, just like a businessman," Vadra told reporters.

Robert Vadra has himself converted from aam aadmi to millionaire after marrying Rahul's sister Priyanka Gandhi, with huge hard work and great smartness. His growth has been covered in the 2012 issue of Harvard Business Review.

He said "I am just transmitting my smartness into him so that he will be more intelligent, aggressive and fast mover than a lethargic sloth.

Congress party leaders welcome his move and said that at least Robert will make some improvement in Rahul.

"I am literally tired of teaching him. For past 12 years since I took temporary retirement, he has not learnt a single word. Now if Robert is going to train him then I will be the most relieved man in the world," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Following the lines of successful Parliament session on Wednesday, Times Now Anchor Arnab Goswami decided to meet all the panelists 1 hour before the debate so that it would reach to at least some conclusion. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Monday had called opposition leaders LK Advani, Sushma Swaraj and Arun Jaitley requesting them to stop shouting and rhetoric so that session would be conclusive and passes at least few pending bills.

"I am inspired. I am inspired the way UPA Government shut the mouths of its opposition leaders, cleared the pending Pension Bill and took the entire session to some final result. So, without politicizing it I want to call all the panelists in front of me before the debate starts and ask them to accept whatever I comment upon or whatever judgment I give without shouting or creating noise. I want to make every debate achieve a final result," said Arnab Goswami.

Arnab is charged for creating unnecessary rhetoric and pushing some inconclusive debates on his audiences. Many have committed suicides just because he could not reach to any conclusion and let the question remain unanswered.

"That's ridiculous. My Pappa had a severe heart attack a day before when he was waiting for a result in Vanzara's letter debate. He thought that panelists would agree at least on a point that either Modi should be arrested or Congress is creating conspiracy against him, but the entire debate on Vanzara's letter was utterly confusing and indecisive," said Pappu Pandey who along with his father everyday watches News Hour on Times Now with a lot of hopes.

Arnab refused to take blame on himself that he is not competent to carry the entire debate and reach to a point.

"I don't agree that I can't carry out debates properly. It is the panelists who don't accept my remarks. They only dodge and divert my attention to something else. Therefore, I have decided right now to manmohan (meaning: to meet) all panelists before the debate and strictly ask them that even if they want to shout during the debate they are allowed but all of them will have to agree whatever I am saying and reach to a point that I give. Why can't they bjping (meaning: to reach at a conclusion even if you don't agree)?"

Indian media reacted positively on suspended Gujarat Deputy Inspector General of Police D.G. Vanzara's emotional and touchy resignation letter accusing Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi's involvement in fake encounter case. Most of them congratulated each other, distributed sweets and threw late night parties.

"Great day! Just having fun tonight with my Old Monk. Bored with same old stories like rapes, social issues and UPA scams but now the new life and new hike in packages with most lucrative issue called Narendra Modi," said Rajdeep Sardesai, Chief Editor of CNN IBN.

"Whooopi! Bored of same old intellectual and sensible things for many days… thanks Vanzara, you stay there in jail and we shall stray on the roads of Gujarat. (On Twitter) Now get lost you troll Internet Hindus," Sagarika Ghose of CNN IBN.

"We had the copy of Vanzara's letter since 2002. That time NDTV was the first one to show it in media," said Srinivasan Jain of NDTV.

"Good collections this quarter. Increase ad rates and work hours," said owner of TOI, Vineet Jain.

"He could have settled it for 2-3 crore rupees, miser," said Tehelka's Neeta Tejpal.

"Nation demands an answer Mr. Vanzara, why are you writing such a long 10 page letter now, after 10 years," Arnab Goswami, Times Now.

India was always a passionate country about romance and love. But sometimes there are over passionate people who cross limit of subtle romance and start thinking only about sex. They are desperate sex animals who use their position and power to fulfill long lasting desire and greed for sex. India Satire Research Bureau has found out top 4 such raunchiest sex crazy human animals.

No. 4 Swami Nithyananda

One of the most controversial spiritual gurus of India in the recent times. At least more than millions have watched him hugging and kissing a woman while watching television on the You Tube. It is yet to be confirmed by him whether it is simple technique for salvation. Also this kind of technology is only available for women. One girl has accused him for rape for 5 years from 2004-2009. Nithyananda has given himself a clean chit.

No. 3 Abhishek Manu Singhvi

In 2012, there was a sex tape released of Abhishek Singhvi where allegedly he was seen having sex with a senior female lawyer. The Delhi High Court restrained a media house from publishing, telecasting and broadcasting the contents of the sex tape. Singhvi claimed that such a CD either does not exist or if it does, it is clearly and obviously morphed, fabricated and forged. Later, on 18 April, Congress party, the party to which Singhvi belongs released a statement declaring that the CD was a personal matter of the senior lawyer. On 19 April the video went public on Facebook, YouTube and other social networking sites. Singhvi then blamed social media sites for sensationalism and claimed an organised gang was involved in broadcasting CD contents despite a court injunction. On 23 April 2012 he quit as chairperson of Parliament Standing Committee on Law and Justice and as the Congress spokesperson. He rejoined the party again after Congress leaders conveniently thought people forgot his case.

No. 2 Asaram Bapu

Asaram Bapu is India's second most sex starving animal of India. Even at the age of 72 his lust for sex is not satisfied and still searching. He loves rape and asked rape victims to call bhaiyaa to rapist, give them respect, bow down in front of them and chant Hanuman Chalisa. These days his fascination is for juveniles, which are at the age of his great granddaughters. ISO-9002 approved sex hungry animal with proven potency by country's leading hospitals.

No.1 Narayan Dutt Tiwari

Narayan Dutt Tiwari (ND Tiwari) an inspiration to all mentioned above and many more in India. The most perfect brand ambassador for Viagra in India. He is an Indian politician affiliated with the Indian National Congress party. He was thrice Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh (1976–77, 1984–85, 1988–89) and once Chief Minister of Uttarakhand (2002–2007). In 1986–1987, he served in Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi's cabinet as Minister for External Affairs. He was serving as Governor of Andhra Pradesh from 2007 until 2009, when he was forced to resign following a sex scandal.

He is alleged to be involved in a sex scandal that began with the broadcast by Telugu language satellite news channel ABN Andhra Jyothi of a video that allegedly showed Tiwari in bed with three women (teenage girls) at his official residence in the Raj Bhavan. At the time of the shoot, Tiwari was just 84 years old. This hunger for sex has always been referred as inspiration in India's porn industry that is fascinated by all the above 4 people. Tiwari is also proved as a biological father of Rohit Shekhar. 

Most of the Indians celebrated yesterday night the news that Asaram Bapu is not impotent. People came on the street and started dancing and singing on the tunes of various songs, lighting firecrackers everywhere.

"We are happy that he was not impotent. Earlier I had a doubt whether he has sex power or not but now as Police confirmed he is good in it, I am relieved," said Pappu Pandey, devotee of Asaram Bapu.

Pappu said he tried to ask about that to Asaram Bapu whether he was straight and does have sexual power but he always avoid answering and once kicked him off while walking. Pappu is the owner of largest selling 'Musli Power Neo'.

"It is always better to have potent spiritual guru than impotent one, I really feel this from bottom of my heart," said another devotee of Asaram Bapu, Prem Chopra.

According to sources, all the devotees forgot Asaram Bapu's 14-day judicial custody in the celebration event.

India's Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh found loudly crying, sobbing and literally lamenting in the bathroom after he completed his speech in the Parliament, according to sources who were present there at the time of incidence.

"Just after he came from Lok Sabha, he immediately started crying loudly, roaring like an animal, mourning himself for what not reasons, even he forgot to remove his specs when he was splashing his face hard with cool water," said Manishankar, head of sweepers of Lok Sabha toilets.

Dr. Manmohan Singh gave a speech on falling rupee and worsening economic condition in the Lok Sabha after a lot of insistence by opposition parties. However, he immediately left the session after he completed his speech, leaving the opposition leaders clueless.

"That was his arrogance. Rather than answering opposition leader's queries he left the session," said BJP leader Yashwant Sinha unknown to the fact.

 "Just when he entered in the bathroom, he immediately started slapping himself, abusing for his soft stand on economy and grumbling over his silent approval to food security and land acquisition bill. I saw him saying that how can he deviate from the basic fundamental economic principles just because Madamji told. He also said that this way he was not just cheating India but his economics and also to Madamji who doesn't understand a single word of logic let forget economics. Then he started crying loudly, roaring and thrashing mirror," said the eye witnesses of the entire incident, sweepers Manish and Kapil. 

It is strange but true. Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi is working on the right policy for Indian economy to revive it in next 20-25 years, said a senior Congress leader.

"He is drafting a policy that will be comprehensive, inclusive and best for the Indian economy. It will lead us to a high growth trajectory that we wanted since last 60 years," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Digvijay Singh was talking about Rahul's talent in economic policy making and drafting best possible financial framework.

"He himself had drafted food security bill, NREGA bill and restaurant bill in Shetty's Restaurant," said Digvijay Singh who told that that Shetty was aam aadmi who wanted to understand how the micro economic policy framework attracts more and more customers in his restaurant.

"Rahul suggested him of embossing Soniaji's photo on restaurant bills and rename his Hotel Durga Prasad to Rajiv Gandhi Sasta Khana Sthal and see the way his business gets boost. Now his hotel is a great example for people who want to turnaround their sagging business successfully," said Digvijay Singh. He said that the time when Shetty embossed Sonia's photo and renamed the hotel to Rajiv Gandhi the business saw a robust growth as everybody came to the restaurant with expectations of cheap food.

Digvijay Singh said "He is going to implement same policies in the Indian economy. As a first step to long term stability of Indian economy, he advised us to rename India as 'Rajiv Gandhi Country With Free Offers' to attract foreign director investors who are searching for cheap destination to park their money. It will reduce current account deficit and boost rupee. Even Finance Minister P Chidambaram was shocked with his knowledge of economy." 

Asaram Bapu's devotees claimed that the Sensex was down today only because Police summoned Asaram Bapu. He said that after Police issued summon to Bapu, rupee dropped sharply affecting the equity markets.

"This is the strength of Bapuji. Police has only summoned him and Sensex was down over 3%. Think what will happen if you arrest him. You will see Sensex at 100 points level and Nifty at 10 points," said Swami Chinmayanand, Bapu's ardent follower.

When India Satire correspondent told Chinmayanand that it was not Asaram Bapu but deteriorating rupee and worsening CAD situation along with FII investment outflow were the reasons, he said that all was ok but the major reason was eroding confidence of government on Bapuji.

He said "The rupee depreciation was out of systematic risk that foreign investors calculated before Bapuji's name was involved in sexual assault case. They discounted this risk 4-5 months back itself. Now when you summon Bapuji for paltry things you will have to bear the brunt. You don't know whenever he says 'jaa upar jaa', the Sensex goes up."

Showing their happiness towards UPA Government's step to introduce food security for poor people in India, the hotels industry expressed its interest to sign long term contract with people below poverty line (BPL) for sourcing food grains.

"We are in talks with various people in BPL category along with government grocery shops for contract sourcing of food grain," said Ramakant Shetty, owner of hotel chain Hotel Durga Prasad.

He said "We are working on a proper plan to source cheap food from the BPL people. Many authorized grocery shops are willing to share 50% of total food grains supplied by government. This is a great law made for the entire hotels industry and we are happy about it. However, we are really concerned about low calories that BPL families are entitled under this Act. They require 35 kgs while government is giving only 25 kgs."