As the UPA Government is pushing food security bill for 67% of India's population through ordinance route this monsoon session, India's rest 33% section of population is wondering how he will benefit from such bill and feels regretted for not coming under BPL or the economically weaker section category. If you are rich and wealthy, but still if you want to leave a legacy of being poor, deprived and hungry person to your child so that he can avail benefits of food security bill, here the India Satire brings some tips for you.

(Note: Rather than cursing Government for providing free food to huge population out of tax payer's money and adding huge amount to fiscal deficit, the India Satire brings a new and fresh approach towards food security bill so that everybody in India can benefit from it and live happily ever.)

A checklist to join the list of beneficiaries of Food Security Bill

Ö         Leave your job immediately and apply for BPL category

Ö         Ask your employer to pay salary by cash

Ö         Marry your maid/servant, take the Green Card (sorry Blue Card) and immediately file for divorce

Ö         Spend 25000 rupees up front to get ration card for poor from nearby MLA or corporate

Ö         Form an NGO protest against Government to increase the minimum limit to be a BPL family

Note: Issued in Public Interest

Delhi University has decided to introduce a new subject called 'Diggy Logic' in all the streams today. The subject will benefit students in learning how pathetic logic can be applied in day to day life. The decision came after Congress Spokesperson Digvijay Singh demonstrated another side of his logical brain yesterday.

"We are going to introduce the new subject from current year onwards. So that more and m0re students should be benefitted of the knowledge of pitiable logic," said Professor Dinesh Singh, Vice Chancellor of Delhi University.

Senior Congress leader found saying BJP would instigate communal riots in Congress states. Seconds after the statement flashed on TV channels and news sites, researchers of Association for Logic in India started finding out logic behind the statement. While taking the benefit of immense database of such weird and useless statements Delhi University decided to launch it in a subject. The university will update books with every new statement made by Digvijay Singh with detailed research, confirmed Vice Chancellor.

He said "The idea of introducing this subject is inspired by All-India Congress Committee (AICC) General Secretary Digvijay Singh's weird ideas about life and understanding of the events. The subject will discuss his statements, quotes and logic behind them. Though pathetic in every sense, we think students should learn it."

A study conducted by Independent Research suggests that 87% Indians believe that the results they get after searching on Google is worthless and no point to actually search for it. An extensive survey of 11,573 youth includes working people, housewives and college students.

 "I never found whatever I wanted on Google. Still just like a programmed warm I search it on Google," said Dibakar Bhattacharya, an Investment Banker in Mumbai.

He said "All the time I tried to search for the valuation models, Google gave me some trash links. However, still like a stupid guy I continue to search on it."

Same story with other net savvy people who actually trusts Google but found that the information that the search engine provides is rather pointless.

"I also observed that on Google. Whatever I tried to search for it actually sent me some other stupid information. I never felt like I am getting the proper info. Just a habit I search everything on Google. Its like searching information in dust bin," said house wife Priyanka Gandhi.

Priyanka Gandhi was trying to find out recent land deals and empty pockets of land in Gurgaon and other parts of Haryana.

Gandhi said "It feels stupid whenever some other worthless information comes out of it, like land in Namibia and Sudan. Even my husband is pissed off, finding the necessary land pockets in Gurgaon."

Talking on the allegations, Google India Head Rajan Anandan said "All these accusations are wrong and people need to apply their mind. Google's search engine is made with an algorithm that recognizes what the people need and what not to provide. If users insert some reverse information, Google will return proper and accurate data. Users like Priyankaji can ask Google land prices in Namibia or empty land pockets in Somalia and I assure her that Google will return with empty land pockets in Gurgaon."

A Times of India (TOI) article discussing about the role of Narendra Modi in Indian politics widely considered as politically biased and secular. Most of the comment writers pulled up legs of the article writer, TOI and UPA Government along with big shots like Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Manmohan Singh.

"This is a paid media," said Diggy Chacha, one of the comment writers in the article. Note: Only name resembles to India Satire's owner Diggy Chacha while personality differs. Chacha said "This is a paid media and secular also."

Other commentators which includes Platinum writer Pappu Pager said "The article writer is from the breed of intellectual dogs with heavy bias towards UPA Government."

Few commentators abused article writer by putting him on the stand of Nitish Kumar, Mulayam Singh and UPA Government's top notch leaders like Digvijay Singh by calling him 'Secular'.

"We are now becoming more and more secular country," said Rajan Sippy "It is real threat to the progress of the country."

Giving the reference of few political analysts in his comment, Sippy said that the 'secularity' is becoming more and more abusive word as any mentally retarded person could claim he is secular.

"Even Congress party claims that it is secular, ha ha ha," said Rajan Sippy.

Congress Party has decided to release another hot and sexy photo of Rahul Gandhi, clicked while he was on the visit of Uttarakhand.

"This time he would be in clean white kurta and paijama with his trademark brown chappals," said Congress spokesperson Ambika Soni.

She said "Rahul looks cutie pie in the get up with well built muscles that he developed in one of the destroyed gyms in Rudra Prayag."

Fulfilling the urge of women voters of India, recently Congress Party decided that a series of good looking photos of Rahul Gandhi to release carrying various activities in different locations.

"We are going to make a beautiful album of photos of Rahul Gandhi's Uttarakhand visit in a golden frame and would put to into a contest. A lucky woman will win that," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Ambika Soni informed reporters that Rahul gave different interesting poses during his visit making a proper serious face and showing his concerns over disaster.

"Those were natural expressions and not like some 'Rambo' putting a poker face and acting like a drama actor," said Soni.

Keeping in mind the rising need of health conscious Indians, chain of fast food restaurants McDonald's (McD) has launched slim Mc Waf-o-Thin burger first time in the country. The burger will have wafer thin potato/chicken chip put inside the bread.

"Mc Waf-o-Thin burger will be available in two variants one veg and other will be chicken. The product will be made keeping in mind the aspiring Indians with immensely calorie conscious," said India head of McD, Smita Jatia.

She said "The new burger will have wafer thin patty put inside the bread with fragrances of cheese and butter. Customers can spray smells of tomato ketchup and chili sauce at the counters whenever they require."

Recently, McD has started cutting down the size of burger and quantity of cheese. While it was widely believed that the cut in the size was just to cut the cost and somehow increase the prices, McDonald's said that the decision was to restore the health of Indians.

"We don't want to make them obese by adding extra calories to our products. There was no such thing that we wanted to cut the costs," said Jatia.

Mc Waf-o-Thin veg variant will be priced at Rs149 while chicken will be cost at Rs169.

Jatia said "We have selected best quality of potato chips and added exclusive McD spices. In our non veg burger, chicken will herself become shy watching the slimness of her meat."

Jatia informed the India Satire correspondent that the specially designed product will have all the nutrients with very minimal calories.

"While maida flour bread will stop wasting time in bathroom, wafer thin burger and fragrances of cheese and butter will have zero calories," said Jatia.