"God, next time onwards I will give proper customer service, but remove these cases" - Bharti Airtel Chief Sunil Mittal

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 11 April 2013 | Posted in , , , ,

Today I am here to confess that my a** is burnt out of fear and I couldn't sleep properly because of continuous vomiting and loose motions. Still my a** is burning for visiting toilet for 10-15 times during last 2-3 hours. Reason for my loose motion is my fear that Court will put me inside jail or ban me from making any false commitments again. Hopefully! Court will not do that.
It was a special occasion for the Indian Judiciary when it issued summon to big business tycoon like me. But it is really an a** tarnishing day for me. How can I forget the day when I committed in front of God the time I received telecom licenses. I told him that I will serve people as like my mother and father. I will be their servant. I will give them a great telephonic and broadband experience and besides that I will appoint such representatives who would solve all of their queries with humbleness.
That was actually greatest day of my life. I was a kind of novice to the telecom business and wanted to say what an idealist businessman says to God. I also told him that if I don't serve my consumers properly, then he can punish me like a pig. I told him that whenever he finds something wrong in me or in my company, he can take a stick and start beating on my a**. However, God is punishing in some other way. It is like beating me in front of the entire public.
I am a bit humble and therefore I accept all my bullshitting. But that bad*** Ravi (Ruia), he is such an arrogant that he would never accept his mistake. Forget him. So let me tell you what has happened with me. Indian Court has recently put me in two cases. One accusation was about the additional 2G spectrum allocation and the other was providing 3G roaming services to new customers in seven circles where Airtel does not have license to do so. I know it was because of collective demands of all those customers whom I treated like shit and my customer service personnel which showed them that they are nothing more than trash.
Hey God! You don't know how much stupid services I offered to my customers. I literally showed them they are fools and made biggest mistakes of their life for choosing Airtel. One of the most idiotic things that I made was that I kept 7-8th standard pass out guys as customer relationship manager to save few bucks. Yea, interestingly that time I was the most profitable telecom company in India. But below my a** I wasn't aware that my useless customer service would pull me down to such an era. Just yesterday I went to Airtel Shop to see my empire. It was look like a desi Pizza corner, and counter boys and girls were just like another Pizza boys and girls. I forgot that I was in Airtel Shop and ordered a Pizza.
Hey God! I forgot my commitment towards you and my customers and therefore I know that you are punishing like this. God! I again commit you this time is my last chance and I will try to serve customers like God. I am their servant. My customer care department will be humble and kind, giving best of services. But please remove these cases on me.

Power of hearing improves twice by using new earphones - Sony

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 9 April 2013 | Posted in , , , , ,

Sony has developed new earphones for its mobile to radio devices which improves hearing ability of user by twice he has, according to the company press release.

"We have developed special kind of earphones under our program 'Ear Empowerment'. I want to congratulate the engineering team which developed such a wonderful product that is good for entire humanity. Regular use of these earphones improves hearing capacity by twice. Now you can even hear what a special cute girl near you talking in her mind. Yea but the condition is she should talk loud in her mind," said Sony Corp Chairman Sir Howard Stringer.

Talking about the earphones in detail, he said "Daily use of these earphones develops a white mucus in the ears. The mucus has ability to clean ears and improves power of hearing. More and more listening of songs, especially loud and clamorous like dog is barking or sound of krrrrrrrrr.... would start improvement faster and you can see expected results in 15 days."

Sony Corporation is a leading electronics maker and manufactures Television, mobile handsets, radios, DVD players, etc. The company tried to answer criticisms that has persistently made on music industry that using earphones is bad for ears.

"That is bullshit. These earphones are good for actually ears. Only caution you have to take is that keep these earphones at least for 21 hours in a day," said Mr. Stringer.

Media searching for more cruel and devilish photo of Narendra Modi

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 8 April 2013 | Posted in , , , ,

Both News print and television media is busy in searching more cruel and highly vampirish photo of Narendra Modi to regain the confidence of majority Indians, according to the sources.

"Majority of Indians represented by Congress men believe that Narendra Modi is Maut ka Saudagar and Yamraj still he is getting so much popularity. Media is also concerned over rising popularity of Modi," said the source.

According to estimates presented by Congress Party President in its annual conference, Congress Party represents 98% of Indians while rest 2% is communal and goes with BJP. Still ever growing popularity of Modi amazes them.

"Indian memory is very short and they forgot that we recently described Modi as Yamraaj and just few years back as Maut ka Saudagar," said Congress Spokesperson and part time minister Manish Tewari.

According to sources, most of the media including news print and TV channels are searching for some brutal picture of Narendra Modi to let people know that this man is like vampire.

"I am concern about Indian people and as a journalist who knows the fact that this guy was a real demon, I am not able to do anything," said Rajdeep Sardesai, Editor in Chief of CNN IBN.

He said "Even I came to know that all journos are searching for the real face of Modi in which he looks like a blood eating vampire."

Only one news paper was succeeded in finding a photo which shows Modi in atrocious mood. The photo on Economic Times news paper shows that a bunch of bees are finding honey from his white beard and Modi was laughing (as shown in the article).

"Yes that's true we are also searching for such kind of photo so that we will represent his actual face in front of the world in our Breaking News program," said Rajat Sharma of India TV.

Maharashtra Govt took Ajit Pawar's joke seriously; to build urine filled dam for all state Assembly members

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 7 April 2013 | Posted in , , , , ,

Ajit Pawar and Prithviraj Chavan cracking a joke
Mumbai - Taking cues from Ajit Pawar's joke, Maharashtra State Government decided to build urine filled dam for all the requirements of all the assembly members.
"I don't know it was joke of Ajit Pawar or what but I understand one thing that it was a sensible advice. We have decided to build urinated dam for ourselves and will use that water for our day to day purposes. We will drink and bath with that water. Our crockery will also be cleaned with that water. All the Members of the Assembly (MLAs) of Maharashtra have decided to contribute to the dam," said State Chief Minister Prithviraj Chavan.
Chief Minister Chavan described this initiative as green initiative in water management and would not damage any natural resource. He also expressed gratitude towards Ajit Pawar's suggestion for healthy option of Shivambhuto normal water.
Recently, Deputy Chief Minister Ajit Pawar fueled a controversy with his comments -- laced with crass humour -- ridiculing the acute water scarcity in the state.
In reference to the ongoing hunger strike undertaken by a drought-affected farmer at Mumbai's Azad Maidan, Ajit Pawar said: "He is on fast for the last 55 days. If there is no water in the dam, how can we release it? Should we urinate into it? If there is no water to drink, even urination is not possible."
CM Chavan said "No it's not like that. Urination is possible for us. We can remove tons of liters of water daily which include healthy combination of food and liquor. Earlier we had no idea on how to use this clean and pure drinking water. But Ajit Pawar showed us the way. We are working on the plan."
According to the plan, every Maharashtra MLA will pour his pee/urine in a dam and that will be used for the drinking purpose of all the state MLAs. The urine has undergone quality check and it doesn't require purification system. Therefore, the raw urine will be utilised for all the purposes including drinking and food making.
Chavan said "If we all contribute according to the plan, lakhs of ton liters of water will be filled in the dam. We will use help of Thane based builders Salim Shaikh and Jamaal Qureshi for building this dam as fast as possible."

Govt estimates average 20kg reduction in fat BPL babies after sugar decontrol

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 5 April 2013 | Posted in , , ,

Indian government expects that fat and healthy below poverty line (BPL) and economically weaker section (EWS) people will lose their weight by an average 20 kilograms after sugar decontrol measures.

"We are on the right track. All BPL and EWS people will have good chance to lose their weight by at least 20 kgs by reducing sugar intake. Sugar also increases risks of diabetes and other life style diseases from which these fat and lazy guys will automatically be protected," said Food and Consumer Affairs Minister KV Thomas.

The Cabinet Committee on Economic Affairs (CCEA) on Thursday approved a food ministry proposal seeking freedom to mills from supplying subsidised sugar for state-run welfare programs — known as levy sugar — and scrapping the release order mechanism through which the government controls sugar sales in the open market, as suggested by a panel set up by Prime Minister Manmohan Singh last year.

According to Planning Commission estimates released in 12th Plan suggest that BPL and EWS people in India are fat and lazy and hardly add anything to GDP. The commission also pointed out rising risks of lifestyle diseases such as diabetes and requires getting immediate life line from the government in terms of removing subsidies on sugar.

The BPL community welcomed the decision of the government for partial decontrol. It also suggested for full decontrol immediately so that they would full benefits.

Rampal Yadav, a UP based farmer said "That was a cool decision. Wow, these mandatory measures are great for our routine diet. I already told my wife that we will stop eating sugar from tomorrow and start exercising. That will help us improve our diet. We are also planning to shift to 'Sugar Free' so that we will get cheap and healthy sweetener."

Using Rajinikanth strategy, Congress Party to launch book on Rahul Gandhi jokes

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in , , ,

In line with the popularity measures taken by South superstar Rajinikanth, Congress Party will launch book on Rahul Gandhi jokes to make nation aware about his super natural powers. The book will be published this year and would regularly be updated.

"Rahul Gandhi is famous entertainer to the nation. But, people are still unaware about his super natural power. We want that to come forward in same way Rajinikanth was revealed to Indians," said Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh.

Rajinikanth is India's only living super hero who used to throw Mars on Venus or dump airplane in graveyard. However, recently for some unknown reasons his public relations agency cooled down the aggressive strategies of promoting his super natural powers. Sources said that the agency is working on the strategies to promote Rahul Gandhi. Releasing Rahul Gandhi Jokes is the first step under this strategy.

"Yes we are working on Rahul Gandhi. Our analyst stayed with him for last 1 year and identified many super natural powers in him. We want to disclose those in the joke book," said the agency head Sachin Chavan.

He said "Take an example. Rahul Gandhi broke the inflation in pieces and it is now at 2% or something."

Congress Party expects that the book will be a mega hit and all the social media fans of Rahul will distribute it with love and affection.

Few examples of jokes on Rahul from the book

¨       After Rahul Gandhi became Prime Minister, he broke inflation in 4 pieces and sent them USA, China, Pakistan and Sri Lanka

¨       Rahul Gandhi stared at Arun Jaitley who is now roaming as smoke in the clouds

¨       Sushma Swaraj learnt dancing from Rahul Gandhi

¨       Rahul Gandhi taught Atal Bihari Vajpayee in his child hood how to take big pauses while talking

¨       Rahul asked Arun Jaitley tell me how you will reduce corruption and Jaitley blasted immediately

¨       Sex has stopped itself from having sex with beautiful lady after watching Rahul

¨       Underwear that 'Superman' wears was actually stitched by Rahul Gandhi

¨       Rahul Gandhi has double the size of Salman Khan, if he removes his clothes

President Pranab Mukherjee reversed earlier decision on Ajay Devgn and allots him death penalty

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 4 April 2013 | Posted in , ,

Famous for faster execution of death penalties, India's President Pranab Mukherjee reversed earlier president's decision on signing mercy plea of Ajay Devgn's execution declared in October 1992. Mukherjee signed on the papers of death penalty granted to Ajay Devgn and ordered Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde to execute him immediately.
"This notorious actor received death penalty in his movie 'Jigar' for many murders and tortures. But our kind and humble ex-president Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma signed on his mercy plea. Now it is my duty to stop tortures of many Indians. I will not allow him to live any more," said Pranab Mukherjee.
According to sources, Pranab Mukherjee recently watched Ajay Devgn's movie Himmatwala and immediately asked his colleagues to pull down all the files of actor. The sources said that he immediately reversed the decision of that time president Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma. Dr. Sharma signed on his mercy plea after listening to Ajay Devgn's entire story on why he murdered so many people in Jigar. Accusations on President Sharma were raised for not considering indirect murders of audience which watched that movie.
Mukherjee said "I apologize to nation which faced a serious torture and rape due to movie Himmatwala and ask home ministry to immediately take action and execute this killer (Ajay Devgn) immediately."
President also gave tribute to martyrs who died after watching the entire movie 'Himmatwala' and announced Rs.5lakh to their families. All the families which faced the damages from the movie welcome President Mukherjee's decision.
"I am glad that our request for serious punishment to Ajay Devgn was considered by President. Now my husband Sunil will rest in peace. I also promise my precious vote to Congress Party in the next elections," said Lucknow based Sukanya Sharma.

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