Special Guest Column

I believe in peace and I was having a long peaceful rest after 1948 when India Satire called me asking my opinion on Asaram Bapu and rest other leaders which are proposing few peaceful ideas tackling the rapes in India.

When I left for a long peaceful journey in 1948, I thought India would be in the hands of few good people who would emulate my love of Brahmacharya. However, as days progressed I came to know that Brahmacharya left India long back same day I left. I thought things would be normal and peace would come back. But it didn't happen again. Look at the rape scenarios in India, so many people are indulging in nasty attractions that are so inadequately describes my idea of ideal Bharat.

I have to stick to my topic over talking on Asaram Bapu and similar leaders like him who offer peaceful solutions to control the rape situations in India. I came to know that he suggested the girl who recently left this insane world to cry and beg in front of rapists while chanting Saraswati mantra in her mind and calling them bhaiyya. Wow that's cool suggestion I have ever heard. I really love this suggestion. It can be a prequel to my suggestion to the world just put your one cheek before the person who hit hard on the other one. Love you Asaramji for using my name Bapu in an orderly manner. However, just it would be better if you remove that Bapu name from backwards of your name and put Pandu before you would give great justice to your advice.

Analysing his idea of peaceful solution gives a pleasant surprise to me. I thought calling British a bhaiya would work. However, it didn't and therefore I had to tell them Chale jaao. Now Asaramji's suggestion therefore gives result that rapists must be milder than Britishers. Calling them bhaiyaa would be a weird idea. I don't believe any girl want her brother to be rapist. At least I don't really perceive this idea. Third one is Saraswatiji is busy these days in helping students to crack CAT, XAT, GRE, GMAT and many other kind of useless exams. I recently read a newspaper article which said that sadly a guy with 99.7 percentalie shouldn't be sure of cracking the CAT. Sometime back only Saraswatiji told me that she is going to complain God for overwork because of stupid Indian institutions and may go on strike asking for an assistant and better pay package. Details I will reveal shortly. So the point is she is also busy in her work to assist students for their few stupid exams. So overall I believe that Asaram Bapu's suggestion may be peaceful idea but it is not really wise. It is some stupid fattu person's suggestion. I know Asaramji has already made it clear that he doesn't need to listen to all the barking dogs so that I also don't want any fattu to use my name. By the way my point is buraa mat suno, bura mat bolo aur bura mat kaho. Add to this buraa mat karo but if somebody is doing evil don't beg at him.

Few other peaceful solutions suggested by greats such as don't move out of home in the night, avoid wearing flashy and small clothes and stay in your boundaries haven't been considered due to lack of time given by India Satire. 

Controversial Baba and spiritual guru, Asaram Bapu raised another controversy after asking his disciple the date on which Poonam Pandey's debut movie 'Nasha' is releasing.

"He asked me when Behen Ponnamji's film Nasha is releasing. He personally wants to watch the movie to give her aashirwad," said Asaram Bapu's disciple Chirantan Swami.

Swami said "I was surprised when Bapuji asked me how is Behen Poonamji's movie Nasha's progress is going. He also asked me when the movie is going to be in the theatres and instructed me to book front row seats so that he can closely watch her and give all the blessings."

Yesterday only, Asaram Bapu triggered a controversy and outrage as he suggested that the Delhi gang-rape victim was equally responsible for the brutal crime and said the girl should have called her assailants "brothers" and begged them to stop. Asaram was slammed by Congress, BJP and women's rights activists for the insensitive remarks. Now after the news that he inquired the movie releasing dates of Nasha and calling Poonam as behenji also fueled the same rage among the activists.

National Commission for Women chief Mamata Sharma posed a question by asking him how he dare to call Poonam as Behenji.

"This is an insult to Poonam. He can't use such an abusive term 'behenji' on her. Poonam is making all the efforts to take Indian women in the level playing field with men, he can't dare talking such insulting word. He has to apologize," said Mamata Sharma.

While reaction from Poonam Pandey is yet to receive, email sent by India Satire correspondent to Asaram Bapu went unanswered.

If bollywood sources are to be believed, leading model turn actress, Poonam Pandey quit her first movie 'Nasha'. According to sources, controversial actress Poonam Pandey left the movie as the film had nothing hot to offer to her audience.

"Poonam was told that she would have huge exposure in this movie. However, as film progressed she was ignored. Besides 1-2 scenes she hardly got the chance to expose her beauty that disturbed her," said the source who is also close friend of Poonam Pandey.

The mahurat ceremony of Nasha was a big bang, after Poonam gave one hot bedroom scene. However, besides that there was no adult or erotic scene in the movie told sources to India Satire correspondent. Asking to keep their identity unanimous they said that entire thing disturbed Poonam a lot, as was promised her fans that she would reveal many parts of her body.

India Satire Correspondent talked to Poonam who also confirmed the development. She was disturbed and sad as she had no other movies in the pipe line.

"When I went to Amit (Amit Saxena, director of the film) asking about why there is no hot scene for me so that I can expose. He said then how would kids watch this movie. This movie is for kids and I would be performing as super girl wearing super girl's costume after that bedroom scene. He told me that I would need to wear a mask and then fly in the skies to save troubled people. He said I would be required to wear that mask till the movie ends," said Poonam Pandey.

She said "That was disgusting. I immediately quit the movie."

India Satire Correspondent contacted Director Amit Saxena. However, he denied news saying it was just a rumour and he has given many points where she can expose herself.

Survey

The Indian Psychiatric Society (IPS) warned Indian government that there is a chance that an exponential rise in mental cases undetected in 2013.

President of IPS, Dr. Roy Abraham said "Considering the cases of politicians, spiritual leaders and popular people of the society for making absurd statements in last one month and a sharp rise in absurdity and stupidity over last one week, we may see an exponential rise in undetected and undiagnosed cases of mental weaknesses and psychic characteristics will rise manifold making a serious risks for the lives of their family and relatives."

In its current issue of Indian Journal of Psychiatry (IJP), Dr Kallivayalil presented a detailed study on rising risks of patient's relatives and family people on account of absurd and undetected stupidity.

He said "IJP's research makes study on the human behavior, particularly social intellectuals and think-tanks which include politicians, prominent personalities and spiritual leaders. In last one month, we saw a 500% rise in the instances of Undetected Absurdity and Stupidity with Mouthful of Trash (UASMT). Generally, UASMT virus was found in marginal number of politicians such as leaders like Digvijay Singh, Beni Prasad Verma, Kapil Sibal and few other people from different social circles. However, these days everyone is detected as UASMT abused, even making us difficult to track many published records. We have therefore presented a detailed study not just to warn Indian government but also the family members of these prominent personalities."

Government sources said that Dr. Manmohan Singh received the detailed report from IPS and he replied to saying Theek Hai.

Survey Numbers

E - Estimated