Suspense Blog: March 2012

Director Sajid Khan confirms that Housefull 2 does not carry more comedy scenes than shown in its promos

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Saturday, 31 March 2012 | Posted in

Stunning revelation from a sting operation carried by India Satire

In a stunning revelation from a sting operation carried by India Satire, director of two mind blasting movies Hey Baby and Houseful, Sajid Khan confirmed that whatever comedy sequences shown in the promos are all the funny and comedy scenes and there is nothing more in the movie.

Known for making loud and irritatingly funny movies, which also don't help smiling people, Sajid Khan was confident that this time also he would April fool people by showing a dose of laugh and fun in the promos but while watching the movie it would be irritating to the hell.

Sajid said to DCFC reporter who became Tamil producer and offered him a remake of Housefull "Ha ha ha... That's the actual fun. Showing people that the movie will be comedy and by end of the day it would be something an idiotic theme is really a hard work and I achieved a niche in that area. I showed all the funny scenes actually in the promotions of the movie and there is no more comedy sequence left to show. Ha ha ha."

However, Sajid thrashed the claims he hardly able to make people laugh, he said "It is not really difficult to make people laugh. I am planning to introduce a laughing gas behind the background scenes in Housefull 2 as like it runs in serials to guide people when to laugh."

Making sure that audience will laugh this time

A source close to Sajid Khan and the crew told that Sajid Khan is planning to put a disclaimer before start of the movie Housefull 2 that only people who are intelligent will laugh and idiots will keep their mouths paused. The source also added that Sajid Khan will also emboss his own photo on every screen so that people can laugh a loud.

Sajid's desperation is not really unexpected as a survey conducted by private research organisation Bullying the Baby Research (BTBR) suggested that out of 100 people watched Hey Baby only 2 people laughed who next day declared mentally sick by doctors. Housefull 1 could not gather 100 people on the spot but survey shows that people who saw the movie were laughing to see the poor efforts of Sajid Khan to make people laugh.

My Avatar can make people laugh

However, bullshitting all these claims, Sajid Khan said "No, all these claims are wrong. I proved earlier that people were laughing at the time of watching my movie. In the first screening of Hey Baby and Houseful 1, all the prominent film personalities told me that the movies were hilarious. This time I plan to call Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and will prove that if he can laugh watching my movie anybody can laugh."

Rahul Gandhi to perform as Agent Vinod Part 2 to investigate RSS and BJP’s links with Islamic terror

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

TOP STORIES

Inspired by Saif Ali Khan, Chacha Digvijay suggested a new Congress Party revamp measure

Inspired by Saif Ali Khan's movie Agent Vinod which projects ISI as a humanitarian organization and Lashkar-e-Taiba as scapegoat made by Indian Corporate and puts nuclear bomb in New Delhi to earn some bucks by short-selling in the equity markets. While Indian audience didn't take this bullshit seriously, our favorite Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha) took the cue and announced 'Agent Rahul' a sequel to Agent Vinod, introducing Rahul Gandhi (Rahul Baba) as Agent Rahul.

"Yes that's correct. Indians are facing serious threats saffron terror which uses Islamic humanitarian organizations such as Jamiat Ahl-e-Hadith scapegoats to fulfill their dreams of dividing India. Therefore, I talked with Madamji to introduce Baba as an Agent Vinod in its next sequel, as Saif Ali Khan already refused to produce the movie sequel. We are in talks with Illuminati Films for taking all the rights for the sequel," said Diggy Chacha to Diggy Chacha Fan Club correspondent.

Rahul Baba was unavailable for his comments, as he was having food in aam-admi's house. Therefore, Diggy Chacha only answered all the questions of DCFC correspondent.

He said "We are not changing the director of the film and Sriram Raghavan will continue. We also asked Raghavan to add more spices to the film and make it hot for Indian girls, women and aam-admi, dalits, etc."

Sriram Raghavan told DCFC correspondent that he plans to launch Poonam Pandey as a lead actress opposite Rahul Baba which will make movie must watch.

First look of Agent Rahul

"Nobody else will be a better option than Poonam Pandey. She is hardcore hotty and doesn't plead for showing some bulgy exercise. On one side, buttery face Rahul Baba coping with terrorists, Poonam Pandey will make other side softer as well. For looks, I requested Rahul Baba to undergo training of Shahid Kapoor for only 2 face expressions of cool looks and arrogant face," said Raghavan.

He said "Actually, I wasn't interested in movie's sequel as there was no creative option in my mind after Indian businessman showed as a real culprit for terrorist attack. But Diggyji inspired me and asked me to work on this idea."

Diggy Chacha said "Plot for the movie will be, Rahul Baba will be an agent for NIA (National Investigating Agency). He will investigate terror links of BJP leaders such as Ishwardas Rohani. Finally the movie will reach to the conclusion that terror organizations such as SIMI and Jamiat Ahl-e-Hadith are not actually behind the bomb blasts while RSS and BJP uses them."

Agent Vinod changed the successful row of hit movies in which lead actors dies

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 30 March 2012 | Posted in

NUMBERGAME

Movie is flopped despite Kareena Kapoor dies

Agent Vinod broke a series of hit films in which lead actors died in the end that started in September 2011. Survey suggests that the target audience was wrong and Pakistan's ban made the difference.

"If the movie was released in Pakistan, it might have got overwhelming response, must be double revenues. But because of Pakistan government's desperation the movie could not reach its target audience," said a distributor of the film.

India Satire Survey

Book Review: Sucked!

Posted by Diggy Chacha | | Posted in

A story of sucked warrior - Manmohan Singh

Book Review: Sucked!

Author - Manmohan Singh

CATEGORY - NON-FICTION AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Presentation ceremony

In an packed presentation ceremony, Madam Sonia Gandhiji launched Dr. Manmohan Singh's autobiography 'Sucked!'. Many prominent personalities which include political entrepreneurs like Pt. Kapil Sibal, Chacha Digvijay Singh and Chiddu Uncle were present along with fully packed press reporters.

Synopsis

It's a story of a squeezed and sucked warrior of India. It is a good dark comedy with full of fun, dull fun, silent fun and no-fun incidences. The book is a different altogether from conventional autobiographies. The book introduces a new font called 'Silent' and almost 82 pages are blank allowing readers to guess what happened in Manmohanji's life and what was he trying to say. The book can be distributed into 3 parts, 1^st is pre-prime minister era, 2^nd is prime ministership and 3^rd is views of people on Manmohan Singh and Manmohan's answers to them.

1^st Part - Pre-Prime Minister era

99% content comprises of Pre-Prime Minister era of Manmohan Singh wherein he puts his achievements and great discipline of life in front of his viewers. "I was vocal before I became Prime Minister. Till then I didn't know the power of silence. The longest ever I spoke was in this era when I represented budget for 5 long years. Even Gurusharan Kaurji doesn't know but she is the person who heard me most. Otherwise I always felt I am a bit boring."

Manmohan Singh also shared a secret in this part. He said that there was no body squeezed him in this era of his life except his wife Gurusharan Kaurji. He said "Kaurji squeezed me so much that I planned to join politics for full-time from part-time but this turned into a comedy story of a prime minister who was then after squeezed and sucked by many more."

DCFC view: This is the most interesting part of his life in the book. This time he is vocal. However, author who is in a silence these days gathered many articles and converted many voice tapes into text to write his pre-prime minister era. He can get hold of readers in this part.

2^nd Part - Prime Minister

This part is a little bit sucking and losing the grip of words in a diminishing way. Manmohan feels he was sucked up in this era by idiotic politicians and irritating co alliance guys who kept buzzing from their vocal chords making him feel bullshit. Entire part is blank as he feels that he achieved the power of silence since the start of his career and there is nothing to write. Author clearly mentions that the part is for those who are very intellectual and understands the realms of the limitless boundaries of silence.

In this part, Prime Minister feels he was sucked by many colleagues, competitors and rivals.

He said "I was squeezed by Madamji, Rahul Baba, idiot Diggy and Sibal, BJP, Mamata, Karunanidhi and many more. I was a bit relax in foreign tours only that also that Krishna took from me after Hina Rabbani Khar joined Pakistan's politics."

Studies showed that Mamata Banerjee and Karunanidhi contributed 50% of Manmohan's brain that was sucked.

3^rd Part - Quotes and glance in future

As a hardcore Sardar, Manmohanji mentions that he would not retire till he feels and no one should dare to ask him about it. This sev enty eight page part shows the quotes and questions of various prominent personalities and answers on their questions. No guess, answers from Manmohan Singh are blank spaces to every question and quote.

Interesting chapter of this part is Gurusharan Kaur's (his spouse) jealousy to with whom he shared most his time listening Madamji.

A glance in Manmohan Singh's life

1. Best word describe my life: Sucked

2. Best word that I could use if not kept silent: Fuck

3. Best Complement of my life: I give more face expressions than John Abraham

4. Best Day in my life: When nobody asked me a single question or media didn't report my name for somebody else' bullshit.

5. Worst Day in my life: Listening Pranab Mukherjee's budget speech which requires a lot of conversion.

6. People I like most: Anna Hazare, Madamji, Rahul Baba

7. People I hate most: Mamata Banerjee, Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal

8. Favorite recent movie: Yamala Pagala Deewana

9. Last time laughed: When Mamata Banerjee asked what is the 1^st AC class sleeper coach ticket fare and when Diggy said he wants to become first Lokpal

10. Last time cried: When Diggy said I am old

11. Irritating: Listening nostril words of Mulayam Singh and listening Lalu Prasad Yadav who habitually says puck, puck but sounds like fuck, fuck and gudbak, gudbak which sounds like good buck, good buck.

12. Boring: Listening idiotic innovations of Kapil Sibal, damn uneconomic.

13. Best joke of my life: Karunanidhi told in a dinner party that Mamata Banerjee looks sexy

Summary

While our review gives a perception that the book looks boring, still it is better to read it fully. Plus it requires hardly 2-3 hours for completing this 270 pages book, as most of the pages are blank.

About Author

Manmohan Singh, though currently holds prime minister's position is finding his own identity.

Apologizing for banning Agent Vinod, Pakistan offered Saif Ali Khan Mullah Digvijay Singh Award

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Thursday, 29 March 2012 | Posted in

TOP STORIES

India apologizes for watching movie and asks Pakistan to offer Saif a citizenship

Finally, Pakistan Authorities apologized for banning Agent Vinod, a major peace initiative from Saif Ali Khan's Illuminati Films. To show their regret, Pakistan authorities announced precious Mullah Digvijay Singh Award to Saif Ali Khan.

"We are very sorry about our step to ban movie Agent Vinod in Pakistan before watching it and making preconceive decisions. We are now glad that our authorities understood their mistakes and we plan to launch it with a grand ceremony, inviting all major bollywood celebrities like Dilip Kumar, Shahrukh Khan, Mahesh Bhatt and Saif Ali Khan who always endorsed Indo-Pak peace process," said Pakistan's Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gillani in a packed press-conference.

Gillani said "We also glad to announce prestigious Mullah Digvijay Singh Award, which we launched in a previous year in a tribute to India's greatest intellect and only person next to Pakistan who called Osama as Osamaji, Digvijay Singh (Chacha Digvijay Singh or Diggy Chacha). This award was earlier given to India's other honourable Manishakar Aiyer."

Movie Agent Vinod, which released in March, expressed its gratitude towards Pakistan's Inter Service Intelligence (ISI) and blamed Indian businessmen and corporate tycoons for terrorist attacks and bomb blasts. The movie is expected to release in the next week in Pakistan.

Pakistan's Army chief Ashfaq Parvez Kayani, who will present the award to Saif said "We are pleased that jannat-e-gulfaam ashfaq-ul-gulistan Saif Ali Khan endorsed our words while his partner gul-e-gulistan bulbul-e-bahaar Kareena Kapoor also supported him in spreading the message. I am glad that Indian society is gradually maturing."

"This was a totally different perception and handling from Indian moviemakers after their last release of Mein Hoon na, which showed that how Indian terrorists have harmed Indo-Pakistan peace talks and Pakistan always showed maturity and took lead towards peace initiatives," said Zaffar Abbas, editor of oldest and most widely read English-language newspaper, Dawn.

Abbas said "We are happy that Indian movie makers are showing great kind of mellowness towards a noble cause. We expect Indian government and people will take some cues from them and will behave in a peaceful manner and stop hatred against Pakistan's charitable organisations like Lashkar-e-Taiba."

The news that Pakistan announced Mullah Digvijay Singh Award made Saif Ali Khan happy who tried to change minds of Indian viewers totally by giving them a shot that Indian businessmen can also take such extreme steps like terrorist attacks on their own countries for short-selling in the equity markets.

He said "Wow baby, I am thankful of my Uncle Maj-Gen Isfandyar Ali Khan Pataudi (deputy director general in ISI) who supported my venture which not only talks on the difficult life of ISI agents, for which Kareena has put her whole and soul but also helped me into a social cause of Indo-Pakistan unity. I am happy that Pakistan finally recognized my efforts."

However, political reactions from India were still sharp and bitter. While Arun Jaitely of BJP said that it would be better to send Saif to Pakistan and the country also should offer him a citizenship along with Manishankar Aiyer, Shahrukh Khan, Dilip Kumar and great Digvijay Singh. Diggy Chacha, however, kept his mum on the topic and told DCFC reporter not to put any words into his mouth.

To chill down team Anna wave, Government offers the team free 3G iPhones with huge collection of porn movies

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Tuesday, 27 March 2012 | Posted in

Government's scheme will keep team Anna 3G mein busy

Irritated with team Anna's derogatory remarks on the government, particularly for Union Ministers, Empowered Group of Ministers (e-GOM) of India plans to offer the team free 3G iPhone under the scheme '3G mein busy'. The !dea came in the mind of Kapil Sibal, a top brain of the government who forwarded to other members of the group which immediately accepted by them.

"Kudos Kapil Sibal, the idea is best as it will keep team Anna busy in accessing high quality internet contents, games and other many interesting and entertaining stuff," said A K Antony, Minister of Defence.

Sources said that the phones will have various funny and notorious stuff that will help team Anna keep busy in 3G entertainment rather than pulling government's legs. This includes high resolution porn content in HD and 3D resolution. It will look all the fetish and bizarre stuff in the worldwide porn industry.

According to source, the government believes that it would chill down the team Anna's flood of remarks. The source said "Every phone with huge backend support will be having thousands of small and big porn movies and also free downloading from various pay sites on the internet. iPhone is as it is porn friendly phone."

However, no minister has confirmed about the development and keeps their mum.

"We are trying to resolve the matters in our ways. Our idea is to remain polite and indifferent with humble face and non-stupid behavior. We like to use polite language and not to use like those fu*king idiots and ba**ards on the interent uses," said Kapil Sibal, who was behind this development.

Congress spokesperson, Abhishek Manu Singhavi however confirmed that to keep team Anna calm, government has to take few notorious steps like keeping some naughty stuff on the phones.

He said "See what can we do? Now the level of entertainment is different and demand is something different. Experience shows that even sensible and most intelligent breed in universe like politicians can get engaged in porn content, then what the f**k is team Anna. We believe that it would be sufficient them to engage on the porn... sorry phone."

Most intelligent person in the Congress Party, Chacha Digvijay Singh (Diggy Chacha) also cherished with the development.

He said "I am pi*sed of with government's slow pace in taking decisions. If I would have been in the active politics rather than on temporary retirement I would have used this tactic to break the power brokers in the last year only. I*iot Kapil."

Diggy Chacha Fan Club (DCFC) reporter tried to take the views of team Anna. Team Anna's important member Arvind Kejriwal said "Let government use all tactics but team Anna is strong with its principals and we will not let us lose this battle against government."

Reactions on Team Anna member Arvind Kejriwal’s statement that Parliament is full of rapists

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Monday, 26 March 2012 | Posted in

Top leaders gave weird responses to Kejriwal's statement

While there were many reactions from almost all the top parliamentarians during the day on Arvind Kejriwal's statement that Parliament is full of rapists, etc. we bring you few reactions from prominent personalities.

Citigroup analyst wrote 1072 page equity research report to convince investors to buy reliance industries shares

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Sunday, 25 March 2012 | Posted in

Stock price tumbled 10% during the trading session, after releasing the report

INTERVIEW - EQUITY RESEARCH

Taking the competition in the equity research field to a new height, oil and gas analyst of Citigroup Global, Pradyumn Mishra wrote 1072 pages (including disclaimer of 32 pages) on Reliance Industries initiating a buy call on the stock. However, negatively responding to the report investors made huge sell off in the stock losing 10% of the market value of the company.

Analyst used CCP methodology to complete this report. CCP (Cut, Copy and Paste) methodology is the widely used method to write research reports in the field of Equity Research.

Talking on his report, Pradyumn said "Hey I feel great after releasing this report. First time ever in the world, somebody has written such an extensive and exhaustive report. I am happy that first time in the history of equity research anybody has crossed magical 4 figure mark." Pradyumn took 6 months to complete his report on Reliance Industries.

It was a very tiresome work, as 3 associates under Pradyumn continuously searching for reports of other broking firms and data from government reports.

"Today, other broking firms are becoming more and more notorious and encrypting their reports with password protection which made our job pretty difficult. However, we still managed it successfully," said Pradyumn appreciating his team's flawless skills of copy and paste.

But taking 6 months is pretty long time to write such a report. Pradyumn said "The report should get appreciated that Reliance Industries run up more than 20% since we recommended 6 months back."

But why such a long report? Who has the time to read 1072 pages of trash (sorry text)?

Pradyumn said "It is a big achievement in Equity Analyst's life writing such a big report. Generally, ordinary analysts don't allow themselves to fly his imagination beyond 50 pages, as copying and pasting is a bit tedious job. Extra-ordinary guy makes it more than 150 pages to below 250 pages. I along with my team achieved more than 1000 pages, says everything. About investors, its darn who cares? Our job is to write the reports. Their job is to read them and apply through investment decisions. Now they don't have time to read a masterpiece then it's their loss, why should I worry?"

But Equity Analysts generally write such a long report when they want to change their jobs. So is there anything like that in Pradyumn's mind.

Pradyumn said "It is wrong to call that writing such huge reports just to showcase the knowledge we have and get better and bulky jobs. For writing more than 1000 pages report, we had to read almost 4000 to 5000 pages of reports of other broking firms, ridiculous government reports and notes and many trashy circulars. Out of that we had to choose the texts to copy and convert them into our language, which is a bit difficult and require a lot of dedication to be put into. So, all this hard work is not just for the sake of job opportunities. However, Citi's global headquarters have offered me to excel myself to Investment Banking position in Hong Kong, which I am yet to consider."

However, share price of Reliance Industries tumbled sharply in the trading session, as many investors accepted that they will take at least 6 months to read entire report and to take decision on buying the stock. Some investors also agreed that a lot of them are facing migraine attack on just thinking of reading such a bulky report.

SP Tulsian hit hard on investor's nose, who 'inversely' follows Tulsian's advices and became millionaire

Posted by Diggy Chacha | Friday, 23 March 2012 | Posted in

Another addition to slapgate saga

EQUITY RESEARCH

In a seriously funny event, SP Tulsian, India's most talented equity analyst /recommender /investor gave a piece of mind to Hitesh Patel who became crorepati after inversely following SP Tulsian's stock recommendations given on CNBC TV18 early in the morning. First, Tulsian painted his 5 fingers on Hitesh's cheeks and then a solid punch on his nose.

The event happened after Tulsian was out for a cutting tea downstairs of CNBC TV18 studios with Udayan Mukherjee when Hitesh came to Tulsian. Sources said that Hitesh congratulated and thanked Tulsian for giving stock recommendations which made him crorepati. Tulsian showed his happiness, which was just a momentary. When Hitesh told Tulsian that he just used one strategy that whatever Tulsian said Buy, he used to Sell and if Tulsian said Sell he used to Buy, this way he gained crores of money.

The statement just infuriated Tulsian so much that he first slapped on Hitesh's face and afterwards hit a hard punch on his nose. Eye witnesses told that Hitesh was bleeding for a while.

Hitesh said "I was in no fault. I just went ovr there and thanked him. Was that my fault? I just told him how I became rich. Was that my fault? This is really bad demonstration of arrogance."

Hitesh also told that he would not take legal help as he thinks that Tulsian was a reason why he is now crorepati.

Hitesh said "I still remember those days when I used to wake up early in the morning switched on TV set where SP Tulsian was already set, talking with Udayan Mukherjee. I don't understand English besides usual words 'Thank you', 'Sorry' and 'Bye'. But whenever Tulsian used to say I recommend buy on this stock or sell on this stock I immediately used to place my order with my broker. Whenever Tulsian used to say buy, I just used to sell the stock and vice versa. Those dedicated efforts made me crorepati. I have his photo in my bedroom and every day I offer him prayers, Agarbatti and flowers."

"Yea that was correct. I hit him so hard for irritating me," said furious SP Tulsian "It's fine if my recommended stocks inversely helped an investor, but why such a demonstration. It seriously hurts my image."

Udayan Mukherjee kept a mum, as he didn't want to get involved in all such nitti grittys while Mitali Mukherjee, his co-anchor told Diggy Chacha Fan Club (DCFC) reporter that she was worried about the harm for secrecy of CNBC TV 18, as very few people knew the trick to make money and if general public like Hitesh Patel would know it means a damage to confidentiality.